Why Do We Feel Unheard in Marriage?
– Communication Lessons from Quran & Psychology
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,
(May the peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be upon you.)
There are moments in marriage when it feels like… no matter what we say or how many times we try to explain ourselves, the other person just doesn’t listen.
We repeat ourselves. We may repeat the same concern over and over again.
We try explaining calmly. Sometimes, we raise our voice, thinking maybe that will help.
Or we might just give up and stay quiet… feeling invisible in our own home.
But deep down, all we want is to feel heard… to feel like our words matter… like we matter.
But why does this happen? Why do we feel unheard in marriage?
And more importantly… What can we do about it?
Today, let’s reflect on how the Quran, Sunnah (prophetic practices/teachings), and psychological insights help us understand this silent struggle and how to rebuild healthy communication, step by step.
Why Do We Feel Unheard?
Feeling unheard isn’t just about the words we speak.
Sometimes, it’s the emotional weight behind those words.
Maybe we’ve been holding things in for too long.
Maybe the other person is distracted or emotionally distant.
Or maybe… we’ve both stopped listening to understand and started listening just to reply.
In most cases, the feeling of being unheard comes from a deeper place than just words.
It’s not just about saying something and waiting for a reply.
It’s about wanting our emotions to be understood.
Psychology explains this as “emotional invalidation” — where someone’s feelings are ignored or minimized.
When someone ignores our feelings or dismisses what we share, the heart naturally closes up.
And if this happens repeatedly, it can create walls of frustration, distance, sadness, and even silent anger or resentment.
But this is not new.
Allah already warned us about the way we use our words.
“And speak kindly/ good (words) to people.”
(Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:83)
In marriage, this means that our conversations should be gentle and kind — even when discussing difficult topics.
Good words don’t just mean being polite.
They mean words that are thoughtful… words that show we care.
When good words are missing… the love and peace we once had slowly start to disappear.
And to speak good words, we first need to understand the other person.
How can we do that without really listening?
Guidance on Listening
And Allah also says:
“So give good news to My servants who listen to speech and follow the best of it.”
(Surah Az-Zumar, 39:17-18)
Look at the beauty here.
Real believers are described as listeners — people who don’t just hear words but reflect on them and respond in the best way.
Listening isn’t just a skill.
It’s part of our worship.
It’s part of building peace in our homes.
The Sunnah of Listening with the Heart
If we reflect on the life of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), we see how he perfected listening.
When people spoke to him, he would give them full attention, and respond thoughtfully, whether it was his companions, his wives, or even strangers.
He did not interrupt. He did not rush people to finish.
Imagine applying this sunnah in your marriage.
Turning off distractions, putting away your phone.
Facing each other.
Listening not to argue, not to defend yourself, but to understand.
When You Feel Unheard – What Can You Do?
Feeling unheard is painful. If you’re feeling unheard, here are small steps you can take, guided by the wisdom of Islam and the advice of our scholars:
- First, express your feelings gently, in a calm and respectful way.
Start with “I” statements.
Be gentle in speech, and avoid accusations or harsh words.
For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try saying, “It would mean a lot to me if you could listen to what I’m feeling.”
This simple shift lowers defensiveness. - Second, create intentional moments for real conversation.
Not just talking while scrolling or cooking.
But intentional time, where listening is the goal. Set aside even 10 minutes a day to check in with each other. - Third, remember that Allah hears you.
Even when people fall short, Allah never misses a word you whisper.
Take your pains to Him. Make dua.
Ask Him to soften hearts, including your own.
Ibn Taymiyyah’s (may Allah have mercy on him) teachings emphasize the importance of turning to Allah and engaging in His remembrance for the well-being and tranquility of the heart.
When the heart is at peace with Allah, it’s easier to face the challenges of marriage with patience and hope.
Conclusion
Feeling unheard is painful. If you feel unheard in your marriage, know that you’re not alone.
This is a common struggle, but it’s one that can change with sincere effort. It’s not the end of love. It’s a signal that something needs attention, care, and patience.
Start with small acts of listening.
Follow the beautiful example of the Prophet (peace be upon him).
Trust the guidance of the Quran and using the tools of understanding from psychology,
you can slowly rebuild the connection you’re craving.
And always remember, before anyone else listens… Allah does. Keep turning to Allah, the One who hears you when no one else does.
May Allah bring peace, understanding, and mercy into all our marriages. Aameen.
Wassalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu.
(May the peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be upon you.)